Week 5 NFL Picks: Back to the Middle

Last Week: 2-3, Season: 5-10

It seems like the new Joker movie is releasing one week too late. Last week was chaos in the NFL as road teams went 12-3 and big home favorites failed to cover or even lost (The Rams not only ruined America’s teaser, they also ruined any hopes of paying for my new PS4). This came as a surprise because of how dominant the home teams were early in the season. This puts us at a bit of a crossroads. Was last week a fluke? Or will the trend of road dogs barking louder than Sean McDermott continue? Here’s my proposition: it’s all coming back to the middle, so everybody be cool. Let’s get into the locks.

Green Bay (+3.5) at Dallas

The Big Bad Man Aaron Rodgers is heading to Dallas once again, and I could not love the Packers more. The Cowboys’ offense fell back down to Earth last week against New Orleans after a cakewalk of a schedule against New York, Washington, and Miami. Meanwhile, the Packers are coming off a mini-bye after a tough home loss to a desperate Eagles team. Against any other team of Green Bay’s caliber, I would see the Cowboys being favored by 3 as normal. However, Aaron Rodgers likes to do this fun thing of turning into the lovechild of John Wick and Superman whenever he visits JerryWorld. Against Dallas, Rodgers has 2,371 yards with 18 touchdowns and just 2 interceptions. Fade the Cowboys and load up on the Packers.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3)

While the country focused on Jameis Winston dropping a 50 burger on the Rams last week, The Saints took care of business at home against Dallas. While Tampa Bay did manage to snag a win in the Big Easy last year, it was a week one fluke spearheaded by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Don’t expect lightning to strike twice, as the Saints should cause Jameis Winston even more problems than they did for future overpaid star Dak Prescott. The Saints’ aggressive defensive front should force Winston to have to make quick, smart decisions, and well, does that sound very realistic to you? Expect the Saints to let Kamara cook and control the clock to get a comfortable win in the dome.

Cleveland (+4) at San Francisco

Last week I said some not-so-nice things about the Browns’ offense and may have insulted the intelligence of their head coach. While I stand by making fun of any adult man named Freddie, I do have to admit that the Browns found something in Baltimore that made their run game click. Baker even looked decent, which is somehow a step in the right direction for them. On the other end, San Francisco is the most overhyped team in the league. They fall into a similar situation as the Cowboys last week, as their wins are over the Buccaneers, the Bengals, and the Mason Rudolph-led Steelers. While they are coming off of a bye and have the defensive firepower to cause trouble for Cleveland’s offensive line, I see the Browns using the same gameplan. Jimmy G hasn’t looked spectacular by any means this season, and I like the Browns defense more than the Niners. This is a field goal game, and the Niners are eating extra points when they shouldn’t be. The Browns are the pick.

Buffalo at Tennessee (-3)

Back to the well with my Titans. I have watched more Titans football than any rational and happy human being over the last ten years, and this is a classic Titans situation. Coming off a nice road win where the defense forced turnovers, the Tits are at home seemingly poised for a disappointing outing. However, Mike “Yeah I Wrestled In High School, Do You Want To See Some Of My Old Technique” Vrabel found out that Mariota in a spread offense is pretty good! Who knew? The Titans are a tough team to beat when they get out to a lead, which is exactly what will happen in this one. Matt Barkley (or Josh Allen, we still don’t know who will start) and Frank Gore won’t be able to put the Titans in an early hole, which is their kryptonite. Derrick Henry will ease the pressure for Mariota, and the Titans will win by a touchdown. Another thing of note: the Bills are a team that thrives off of turnovers, and Mariota is the only quarterback in the NFL that hasn’t turned the ball over once. Titan up!

Chicago at Oakland (in London) (under 40.5)

London!! Are you ready for the firework show that is Chase Daniel vs Derek Carr? It is truly incredible how the NFL continually manages to put extraordinarily boring games in London every single year. The worst part? This starts at 1pm EST, just like the rest of the morning games. No longer can we bet on his game and wake up in the green, we have to slug it out with the bloody fans in Europe. The Bears less-than-inspiring offense shouldn’t be able to score more than 20 and lord knows that Jon Gruden will not be able to gameplan a consistent offense against this menacing Bears defense. Even worse, Josh Jacobs has been moving a bit slow as he hampers an injury. I expect the Bears to grab a defensive touchdown in this one and win an ugly 24-6 game. Cheers to you, London! Sorry we took away the reincarnation of Mick Jagger, (very much still alive) Blake Bortles!

9th inning runs given up by Kenley Jansen this weekend (-3.5) vs Remaining weeks that Jay Gruden will be the head coach of the Washington R******* because Dan Snyder has the same IQ as an empty bottle of Sierra Mist

Hammer it.

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